Just so you know guys, I'm missing my lunch time nap time for this post. But I know I owe you (and this blog) one so here I am. This birthday post is days late from my actual birthday but the things I want to say are still fresh in my mind. Scrolling through my Facebook page that day, I came across this quote posted by The Artidote:
Years after, I started working. I still felt like a zombie. I still don't know what I'm doing. I'm just trying my best to live one day at a time. But I don't feel like I'm really "living". I am still insecure about the kind of student I was before and I almost let it define me. I've let go of people because of my insecurities.
But life happened and God took control of my heart and mind and I finally decided that this is not where I want to be. I learned that I don’t owe anyone any explanation about my choices and mistakes. I also learned that no one can help you but yourself. I even got my dream job now. I chose to be happy, to be thankful and to be faithful.
I also found out that I’m an introvert and that I don’t need to feel guilty for wanting too much alone time. I’ve stopped wishing to be more outgoing. I started accepting who I am and stopped trying to fit in other people’s boxes of expectations of who they need or want me to be. I’ve taken pride in being logical but I learned that I have an artistic side and that it’s okay to let go and be crazy sometimes. I found myself really smiling again. And I had happier birthdays.
If there’s anyone who’s reading this who’s feeling that way, who is in their “dark place” right now, believe me, one day you’ll wake up where you will no longer want to hide from the brightness, and it will no longer hurt inside. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy though. It took me years to get there. Don’t seek approval from anyone else but yourself. Don’t try to impress anyone. Make mistakes, learn from them.
I’m not yet where I really want to be but at least I'm no longer where I used to be. And I’m optimistic that greater things are yet to come and that there will be happier birthdays to celebrate.
"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be." -Joyce Meyer
It struck a chord in my heart. This statement couldn't be any more true for me. Good timing too! Since it's my birthday post let me tell you a personal story of why it's relevant.
For a several years I've never really had a "happy" birthday. I suffered from depression while I was in college. First few hours of the very first day of freshman year, I knew immediately I was not meant to be there. I will never forget that first subject of first semester of my freshman year-- it was Botany. I hated my course. Unfortunately, I'm also too stubborn. I felt like a robot going to school and going home. Until now, all I remember about college was being sad. Glee Club, singing, was my only saving grace. My only fond memory of college was everytime I sang.
It got worse. Even if it wasn't exactly that, I never wanted to admit "defeat". The stress manifested through acne breakouts and falling hair. I remember finding a big bald spot which, fortunately was at the lower part of my head and can't be seen unless I tie my hair up. I craved for darkness. I felt safe in my dark room. I indulged in sleeping. I didn't want to wake up. And embarrassingly, I started cutting classes. I know it's not something new. Even my classmates cut class time to time. It was different for me. I lost all the motivation to go to school. When I cut class I was either at the UST Chapel (or Quiapo Church) or the library. I would spend nights crying, asking myself and God why I can't muster self-control like others. I'm not the only one who thinks it's hard. I just don't see the point in doing anything at all. I don't know what to do with my life and such a cliche, but I was looking for a purpose. Unless I find that purpose, I don't see the point in living anymore. At some point I wanted to leave this world but not to the point where I'll do it myself. I don't want to be a bigger burden to my family than I already was and thankfully, I still have enough faith in Him to go on. Even if it means living like a zombie. I didn't care anymore.
It got worse. Even if it wasn't exactly that, I never wanted to admit "defeat". The stress manifested through acne breakouts and falling hair. I remember finding a big bald spot which, fortunately was at the lower part of my head and can't be seen unless I tie my hair up. I craved for darkness. I felt safe in my dark room. I indulged in sleeping. I didn't want to wake up. And embarrassingly, I started cutting classes. I know it's not something new. Even my classmates cut class time to time. It was different for me. I lost all the motivation to go to school. When I cut class I was either at the UST Chapel (or Quiapo Church) or the library. I would spend nights crying, asking myself and God why I can't muster self-control like others. I'm not the only one who thinks it's hard. I just don't see the point in doing anything at all. I don't know what to do with my life and such a cliche, but I was looking for a purpose. Unless I find that purpose, I don't see the point in living anymore. At some point I wanted to leave this world but not to the point where I'll do it myself. I don't want to be a bigger burden to my family than I already was and thankfully, I still have enough faith in Him to go on. Even if it means living like a zombie. I didn't care anymore.
I also felt alone. All my friends were lucky enough to be having the time of their lives in college and the last thing I wanted was to be a drama queen.
I've hurt so many people--my family most especially. My dad read one of my blog post and called me from abroad where he was working that time and asked me if I want to seek professional help. I refused. Looking back, I think I should have talked to someone.
I've hurt so many people--my family most especially. My dad read one of my blog post and called me from abroad where he was working that time and asked me if I want to seek professional help. I refused. Looking back, I think I should have talked to someone.
I felt stupid being with my blockmates (but I learned there are different types of intelligence so there). I don’t like feeling stupid. I was the girl who THINKS. I resented myself for being stubborn. I don’t feel like I belong there, or anywhere. It felt like I was floating through everyday. I would go to school and go home and not remember anything that happened the whole day. I would go to lunch alone because I don’t know what’s happening to me and I don’t want to have to explain that to anybody. I don’t want to be with anyone. If you start asking me about school, I’d feel like my brain is shutting down. I felt really lost. Why didn’t I shift you ask? I know. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. For me, feeling like a failure is the worst feeling. It’s just like having your heart broken but I think it’s more than that because no one broke me—I broke myself.
Years after, I started working. I still felt like a zombie. I still don't know what I'm doing. I'm just trying my best to live one day at a time. But I don't feel like I'm really "living". I am still insecure about the kind of student I was before and I almost let it define me. I've let go of people because of my insecurities.
But life happened and God took control of my heart and mind and I finally decided that this is not where I want to be. I learned that I don’t owe anyone any explanation about my choices and mistakes. I also learned that no one can help you but yourself. I even got my dream job now. I chose to be happy, to be thankful and to be faithful.
I also found out that I’m an introvert and that I don’t need to feel guilty for wanting too much alone time. I’ve stopped wishing to be more outgoing. I started accepting who I am and stopped trying to fit in other people’s boxes of expectations of who they need or want me to be. I’ve taken pride in being logical but I learned that I have an artistic side and that it’s okay to let go and be crazy sometimes. I found myself really smiling again. And I had happier birthdays.
I’m not yet where I really want to be but at least I'm no longer where I used to be. And I’m optimistic that greater things are yet to come and that there will be happier birthdays to celebrate.
