Thorned Rose

Then and Now

Sunday, February 05, 2012

It is true you know when they say that what you want changes as you grow up and mature. 'Cause mine surely did. Weird. Like with Rj, it feels ironic that what I used to really hate about him then are the things that I love about him now. Well there are 5 major things:

(Childish then, child-like now.)

1. THEN: I hate how he is so childish and immature. You should see him when he's with friends. Just like little boys.

NOW: I don't know why but now I found this quality so endearing. I look at him and think of how he's such a baby sometimes. And then I realized I want to take care of him more---that girls really have that so-called "motherly" instinct. Can you believe it? Me? Haha. That's why I love to hug him. He's a baby that way.

(Really?)

2. THEN: I hate how he always relies on me to make a decision on where to eat, what to do, movies to watch etc. His Ikaw-na-bahala 'tude. Back then I thought of this as how he doesn't have a mind of his own. And I do not take this kind of attitude lightly. My guy has to be a MAN not a BOY.

NOW: I was wrong. He relies on me for the smallest decisions in our relationship but he certainly has a mind of his own--oh boy he does! lol. If not for him we would've gone on-and-off as a couple. Haha! And I appreciate how he thinks deeply about everything and how he stands by firmly in all decisions he make. Now that's my man.

(‘Nuff said.)

3. THEN: I hate that he's just so quiet. There are times when I'd talk all the time and he'd just sit there and nod. Seriously, I can't ever read his mind. Don't you just hate that girls?

NOW: I love the moments when we're just quiet together, without the pressure to talk. We're just there. Being together. Now that I'm older, I learned the value of being still and that I don't need to be afraid of silence. That silence is good for the soul.

4. THEN: I hated how he wanted to keep our relationship a secret just 'cause he doesn't like to be teased! See. Exclamation point. Yes, secret from all of our friends. It was so hard to keep a secret like that especially if it was your first ever relationship. Is there something wrong with me?, I thought.

NOW: I see where he was coming from. It is good to be quiet and private about some things.

(What if maybe we didn’t?)

5. THEN: I hate how he believes that love is eternal. That your first love can be your one and only. Yes, even back then I am cynical about love.

NOW: I'm not really sure if he changed his thoughts (now I certainly hope to God he still thinks the same way. :) ) but hey, we are back together right? Hopefully for keeps. I am a hopeless romantic and I do believe in love---for other people, NOT for myself. I still have trouble believing that I am worthy to be loved, that I even deserve it. I just hope he will not tire of making me feel like I do deserve it and that I AM loved.

So there are my five things. I honestly don't know why it took me 5 years to have a change of heart regarding these things. Probably because I had some growing up to do.

Another one of the statements that I actually find to be true is that "Love is not blind. It sees all but it DOESNT mind." Because yes, I may not like his judgemental attitude most of the time and I'm sure as hell that he hates my pessimism but I love him just the same. I think the secret to our relationship is that I am understanding and that he lets me win (well, in our little, little arguments). Nah. We just have the same attitude which may make or break us---we hate arguments especially long, stressful talks. We will work on it though. But for now, if we don't see eye to eye, we just agree to disagree. :)

Hey there 2012!

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Okay so this is my first post since (forever?) months ago. That's a long, long way back. I constantly remind myself to write something. But I don't know what about. You know how I always want my posts to be well thought of. Not just a mish mash of random things.

And with all the things I'm interested in---fashion, photography, travel, food, books, movies etc. I still don't know how my blog is supposed to be about. Sigh. Sure I love trying on different shades of lipsticks, but I don't think I want to write about every single one of them in a post. Get what I mean?

So I figured I'll just make my blog all about me and so true to myself. So yes, some post will be personal. It will not be perfect. I will not carefully structure phrases or use only-webster-knows words just so you will think that I'm so brainy, rainbow shines from my mind. If there are people I hate most, its the know-it-alls. My blog will not be perfect. Just like me. I won't pretend like I know everything 'cause I don't. I'll just continue what I do best. Sharing experiences.

So there. Anyway I am looking forward to 2012. If there is a word I would like to be this year, it is to be BOLD. I will try new things. I will experience. I will travel. I will discover. I will love more. and I will write. I will write without fear of thinking what other people thinks.

To start with, hopefully I can share with you my goal of 50 movies this 2012. I've watched a few, courtesy of Rj but haven't written anything about it yet. Will let you know though. :)

There are plenty of travel plans. It just the expenses that I worry about. But hey, 2012. I know everything is possible. And I hope to share with you my escapades for the year sometime soon.

Lastly, more pictures! This is as personal as it gets. I will post more pictures since I notice my blog to be a bit boring. Gotta add some color!

Okay. Hmm. For now. I'm so tired to think of anything else to write about so I will just watch a movie and remember to blog about it. Hehe. :)

personal

Lipstick and High Heels

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Back in High School, my get up was the typical t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. That’s it. The boyish type. I knew I wanted to be the feminine-but-I-can-still-rock type of girl but I have a very limited choices given the fad of styling that time (think bare back haltered tops, spaghetti straps, stilettos---not for me.) And basically, I was still finding myself and what my sense of style really is. But even back then, I was really fascinated with clothes especially all that mixing and matching stuff. Even if I’m a bit one of the boys type, I’m still really a kikay girl at heart. I knew I was kikay waiting to happen. :)

Now that I’m working, sans school uniform and all, I think I already got the hang of mixing and matching with a bonus of a wee bit of make up on the side.:)

I still don’t know how to describe how I dress though. It really just depends on my mood (and the weather of course.) One day I can be the girl-next-door (all girly---think blazer, cute dress and comfy sandals), a rock star (edgy top, bangles and boots plus the eyeliner), one of the boys (my all time favourite shirt-jeans-sneakers combo), the laid back (the crisp white button down shirt, jeans and flats) or sometimes the classic sophisticated (a dress with clean lines paired with heels—wedges of course! and red lipstick.)

I can be anyone, except, if you notice, the sexy seductive vixen. Haha! Because the number one rule I follow when dressing up is comfort.

So honestly, I’m not that comfortable in playing that sexy lady. Since I’m also not that comfortable with my own body. Yes, I know. I know I’m one of the huggable types. (Ehem. Hehe.)

What? Oh yes, the make-up. When it comes to that, my favorite is the “no-make up” make up. Just your standard foundation, concealer, powder with just a hint of a blush or mascara.

There’s one thing I’ve recently discovered to light up my face instantly.

I’ve discovered the power of red lipstick.

I bought the shade a month ago to try this look I saw in a magazine and I am in awe of the effect and my new found confidence to wear that daring color. When I was younger, I think of the red lipstick as power color. It’s confidence, class, sexiness and sophistication combined in that small tube of make up. Wearing red lipstick is like saying, “You can’t play bullshit with me.”

Needless to say, red lipstick SCARES me. Haha.

Now I found out, its my happy lip color. I finally found out how you can pull it off (and my favorite way to do it) without intimidating is to get the matte shade. The one without a shine. The kind that sticks to your lips like its your natural lip color. When you wear red lipstick pala, your face has to be clean. Pluck your brows, conceal those eye bags and no blush (or just a bit of it if you must) and certainly no eye shadow for me, otherwise it’ll look too strong.

The only down side of it, as I later found out, is that my boyfriend hates the red lipstick on me. Argh. I know!!

What good is wearing that if your own boyfriend doesn’t like it right? What does he know? He’s a guy.

Gorrrrr! You can’t even imagine how I want to rebel when we talk about it. Just by talking about it.

I mean, does he even know I wear it on my, “I feel so ugly” days? I mean really ugly. Yep. I get those days too, a lot. So sometimes, I want to rebel on my own simplicity. I’ve always been simple Yella. That’s how I’ve always been. Simple and safe. Completing my look with the red lipstick on top makes me feel different and out of the ordinary.

So you see and if you, my wonderful boyfriend you, can see, I don’t dress up for anyone else but for myself. Sometimes I feel dressing up is a project, like my face is a blank canvass waiting to be painted with the right mixture of color. Oh yeah, and the fact that I always look pale without it. It makes me feel confident and perks me up especially when I’m at my I-feel-so-fat-and-ugly phase.

There. I do wear lipstick and high heels when the occasion calls for it. But in the end, I think the real me is the simple, loose t-shirt,-my hair loose-pajama wearing-no make up kind of girl. Also the “I’d rather do movie marathons or read at home than party all night” kind of girl that my honey knows well.

For all the women who, bear the discomfort (and embarrassment maybe) of getting your first period and the succeeding ones after that, the pain of the night you become a real woman, the pain of giving birth to her children or even just the emotional pain of having your heart broken… the red lipstick is for all you strong women. Because guys can’t imagine what you women go through and what you put up with. J

So here’s some cheers to all the girls who have that fierceness and confidence to wear that red lipstick… and a salute and applause to those who wear it with high heels. You, woman you. Yes, you who strut your stuff in high heels, who is confident in facing life’s challenges, who is in control of your future and you who simply refuses to take bullshit from anyone who throws it your way. Keep shining!

Blame it on Murphy.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

May isang insight ang kapatid ko tungkol sa pag-angkas sa bike. Isang kaisipang nagpapatunay na hindi talaga ko kasing lalim niya. Syempre, pagbabike ba naman, maiisipan mo pa ng ganon. (Ayan na naman, ang haba na naman ng intro ko—pasensya.Ü)

Sabi niya ang pag-angkas daw sa bike ay parang relasyon mo sa buhay. Kailangan mong magtiwala sa aangkasan mo na kaya niyang bumalanse at magtiwala at hindi ka ihuhulog kahit gano ka pa kabigat, kahit gaano man “kayo” kabigat. Tiwala. Napag-isip niya ko. Is that my problem? Trust issues? Eh bakit kaya kong ikwento kahit sa bagong kakilala ang talambuhay ko---pero, sa huli, pakiramdam ko, hindi pa rin kami close? So there, I don’t know where I am with trust thing but I certainly am not big on relationships, may it be friendship or love. Just on family.

It was on college that I finally noticed that I’m not that much of a social animal, ergo, my circle of friends is not that big. Well, I blame it on my belief in the Murphy’s law. I believe in the positive---faith, hope, love, fairy tales, happy endings, the good in people, blah-blah. Oh yes I do. For other people at least. I believe “they” can have fairy tale happy endings and even write about it so “they” won’t stop believing. Well I believe in all things positive, except in love. Hindi ko alam kung kailang natapos ang tiwala ko tungkol sa lahat ng bagay na maganda tungkol dito. I am a skeptic. Lalo na’t may Murphy’s law. Sabi dito (kung sino man si Murphy, hindi ko alam.), if everything is going perfectly fine, something is always bound to get wrong. So it practically sums up the story of my life. One minute everything is okay, the next I’m running away before everything falls apart. For example, in love, I always wait for something to get wrong. The guy, the timing, the whatever.

Like how do I think the current one’s going to end up? This: We’ll have different priorities in the future and realize that and someday we will wake up no longer interested in each other. We will even get bored listening to each other’s stories because it bores the hell out of us and NOT caring or missing each other if we won’t see each other for more than a month. We will stop caring. And then we’ll decide it’s better to break up. I can be wrong, I can be right. But, when something is so right that’s when I get really scared because I feel something is going to be really, really wrong and it’s going to hit me hard right smack on my face before I even know its coming. The Murphy’s. It hasn’t stop me from trusting too much but from giving too much. I know it sounds bull**** but expecting the worst has protected me from getting hurt. The negativity has become my shield. Pero secret lang natin to ha, pero sa totoo lang… I have a good feeling about this-US. (Finger’s crossed. Isang malaki at mysterious na SMILE.)

But I don’t recommend this to everyone. Magiging bato ka. Magiging manhid ka. Hindi ka man maging basag sa kalungkutan, hindi mo rin mararanasan ang maging masayang-masaya. Kasi alam mong hindi tatagal. At least pag nauna ang lungkot, sa huli alam mong sasaya ka. Parang bad news muna, bago good news.

So don’t judge me if I say I imagine myself growing old alone and not getting married. I’d rather believe that than continue hoping to find the one but ending up knowing that he does not exist. Plus too many songs, books and people have told me that not everything lasts forever. So why bother? Sorry. I also don’t believe in enjoying it while its there. While. Its. There. Shit. If its not going to last, why bet on it? You might argue, sugal nga diba? Pero sa sugal dapat alam mo kung kelan ka titigil diba? Kundi mauubusan ka.

Naalala ko si Kambal, ang kaibigan kong sa maraming bagay sa buhay e kaparehas ko ng point of view. Nung high school thru college pag may mga kaibigan kaming may mga bagong bf/gf, sasabihin namin sa kanila: magbebreak din kayo. Haha! Basag trip lang. Nakakatawa. Pero alam ko, deep inside, nanghahamon lang talaga kami, na sana hindi sila katulad ng iba. Kaya naman nang magkabalikan kami, sabi ko kay Karla, ‘Kambal, hindi mo ata ako sinabihan ng magbebreak din kayo?’ Sabay ngiti. Nagulat na lumambot ang puso ko sa sagot niya: ‘Hindi na tayo mga high school, Kambal. Isa pa, isa kayo sa mga konting gusto kong tumagal.’ Sana nga.

Kaya kung maliit man ang bilog ko, konti man ang mga taong pinapasok ko sa loob ng mundo ko, sila naman yung mga taong sinugalan ko ng buong-buo at may tiwala akong hindi ako ipapatalo. Piling-pili lang sila kaya sigurado akong hindi lang sa hindi nila ako ilalaglag pero na ako din, na kaya ko ding ipanalo ang mga sinugal nila sakin. At isa pa, napatunayan nilang karapat-dapat silang bigyan ng panahon, pasensya, pagmamahal---puso.

Kung hindi ka man sigurado sa kaibigan o sa love life, me mga tao pa na ayaw mo mang iangkas, sa ayaw at sa gusto mo, parte sila ng buhay mo. Ang pamilya mo. Para sa’kin, sila ang pinakasolid na bahagi ng mundo ko. Ang core. Nabasa ko sa physics, nasa core ng mundo nagmumula ang gravity. Totoo. They keep me grounded. Kasi araw-araw siguro pinapaalala nila na hindi ako perpekto. Sometimes, actually MOST of the time, they bring out the worst in me, pero ganun talaga. Mas pinapatatag ka nila. Hindi nila kailangang ipangako ang habang buhay na pagmamahal dahil kusa na ‘yong dumadaloy mula sa kanila papunta sa’yo (kahit minsan hindi halata.) Sila ang mga taong hindi mo kailangang mag-alala kung matalo ka man sa sugal, dahil sa kanila, hindi mo talaga kailangang tumaya. Panalo ka. At habang buhay ka din nilang pagtatiyagaan, sa ayaw man nila o sa gusto. Hehe. Kaya sila talaga ang pinagkakatiwalaan kong hindi mawawala kahit kailan.

Kaya ikaw na nagbabasa, piliin mong mabuti ang iaangkas mo dahil mahaba pa ang biyahe. Pwede ka pang maligaw o dumaan sa mga malulubak na daan. Piliin mo yung masarap kausap--yung hindi ka mabobore sa biyahe, yung may matututunan ka, yung magaan kasama, sabi nga nila, yung hindi heavy, pare. Oo, kailangan mo ng magbabalik sa’yo sa reality minsan, ng konting negative ba. Pero iba yung konting criticism o realistic sa taong galit sa mundo. Mabigat. At higit sa lahat, piliin mo ang taong ma-flat man ang gulong mo, e kayang hawakan ang mga kamay mo at maglakad ng mahabang-mahaba at walang reklamo kasama mo.J

Para sa'yo.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A good friend of mine was talking about love dilemmas yesterday and boy did we talk about a LOT of things. (Sigh.) That conversation inspired this piece that you're reading right now, because I know, as much as it's cheesy or corny, we can never be completely knowledgeable or can write about that crazy little thing called love. Love is NEVER overrated.
I am writing this in reference to my other blog entitled, "Of Sadomasochism." (Below this piece.)
(Deep breath here. Here it goes.)

Tanga ang taong nagmamahal. Walang salitang "daw" sa statement na yan dahil alam kong walang taong nagmahal o nagmamahal ang magsasabing hindi sila nagpapakatanga o maaring nagpakatanga kahit minsan sa buhay nila sa ngalan ng "pag-ibig." (Errmmm. Beginning to sound corny. Smiles.) Paano nga naman kasi, sabi nga nila, kung ginamit mo ang isip mo, hindi ka nagmahal. Nag-isip ka lang.

Sinasabi ko lang 'yon. Pero sa tingin ko, sa totoo lang, mas nag-iisip ako. I refuse to be called stupid, mataas ang pride ko at higit sa lahat, dahil I believe in fairness and equality, kung ilan ang ibinigay mo, yun lang din ang itatapat ko. In my lifetime, I've only had 2 boyfriends. None of them lasted a year. Just months. Now, most of you probably thinks I'm the kind of girl guys get serious with. Yan din ang gusto kong paniwalaan syempre. Pero problema ko din yata talaga ang pagiging thinker---OVERthinker ko. Hindi ko binibigay lahat.

Oh, and did I say I would rather be single? Yes. Why? Because I suck with commitments. I can't keep it up. Relationships take a lot of work and I get tired easily. At sa totoo lang, hindi sa lahat ng oras, napipinturahan niya ng multi-colored ang maliit kong mundo. Minsan kahit nagmamahalan kayo, minsan eh mas madalas pa nga sa minsan, black and white pa din ang kulay ng mundo mo. Tipong sa unang tatlong buwan, ayan, makulay. Tapos unti-unting mag-fefade. Parang tv na nasira.

Sabi ko nga sa kaibigan ko, if you'll make me choose between happiness and peace of mind during the times that you can't have both, hindi ako magdadalawang-isip na piliin and peace of mind. Ang lalim ko naman daw. Hehe. (Blog ko to kaya 'wag kang makialam--kung may sarili kang opinyon at kung sa tingin mo mali ako, freedom of speech lang pare, o kaya para maganda magsulat ka na lang din.) Bakit? Dahil ayoko ng nagugulo ang mundo ko. At yan ang isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit mas gusto kong maging single. Yes, I'm a weirdo. I live alone and I like it that way. Kalmado ako. Most of the time, I'd rather be alone.

Ang sama na naman ng tingin mo. At least ako, nung nakilala at minahal niya 'ko, ganito na 'ko. ;)

Ayon sa theory ng Sadomasochism, man finds PLEASURE in hurting and being hurt. Sa madaling salita, in PAIN. This concept I learned from Paulo Coelho in his book Eleven Minutes (a very powerful book which taught me a lot about the value of love when it comes to sex.) Pain associated with pleasure? What the F, right?! Pero aminin. Bakit bihira lang sa mundo ang mga taong nagsasabing wala na silang mahihiling pa sa mga buhay nila? Bakit laging may kulang? At bakit may mga taong kumakapit sa away bati na relasyon at on-off relationships. Paulit-ulit ng paulit-ulit but they always choose to stay. Dahil daw masarap ang feeling kapag okay na. Mas sweet, mas thoughtful, mas... Oh c'mon. Dahil ang tao, naniniwala (isa na din ako don sa totoo lang), na after sorrow, comes happiness. Yan din ang binebenta ng mga rags-to-riches concept ng mga telenovela diba? Talaga namang papahirapan ng bonggang-bongga ang bida. Kaya masaya tayo sa pagpapakatanga at pagsasabing may kulang pa. Kasi pag nagsimula kang masaya, alam mong may darating para maging malungkot ka pagkatapos, dahil bilog ang buhay at mas maganda kung sisimulan ang balita sa bad news bago ang good news.

Ganyan ang tao. We use pleasure to justify the pain that sometimes, we inflict upon our own selves.

Pero isa rin ang natutunan ko. Pain and loneliness, it can destroy you. It can change you and take away who you are.

That sometimes, happiness comes not AFTER pain but when we CHOOSE to be happy. Pain has its limits too. Mapupuno at mapupuno tayo. At minsan, kailangan nating mapuno.

Sa mga nasabi at sinasabi ko at kung hindi niyo titingnan ang profile ko, masasabi mo bang "in a relationship" ako? At kung alam mo na in a relationship ako, iniisip mo na sigurong hindi ako masaya base sa mga nabasa mo na. Mali. Hindi kami perpekto. Alam namin 'yon. Marami rin sigurong kulang. May mga oras na hindi ako masaya (siguro siya rin), hindi lahat ng bagay sakin alam niya, pero bukod sa saya, kahit minsan hindi na exciting, kahit minsan hindi ko siya maramdaman, kapag kasama ko siya, kalmado ako. PEACE.OF.MIND. (smiles.)

I am calm especially when he holds my hand. Just by that. Like everything, everything goes away. So there. I love the way he holds my hand and how my hands fit perfectly into his and how I fit perfectly into his arms. (smiles--big one!)

Are we going to break up? Probably. I'm waiting for it. I don't know. 'Cause we did a few years ago. But it happens you know. I don't expect anything but I have my HOPES up. Am I afraid? Let me tell you sister, every. FREAKING. DAY. I always am (which doesn't help with the peace of mind thing.) But I am not afraid to be single (to my mother's horror, dahil nasa lahi namin ang matatandang dalaga and she wants someone who will do a good job in taking care of me.), because sabi nga ni Dr. Bailey sa Grey's Anatomy,

"Don't let any man DEFINE who you are."

At para sa'yo kaibigan, lalake ka mang nagbabasa nito o babae, at ikaw, oo ikaw na nagbabasa nito, you whom the society and even you yourself call stupid and "martir", I stand here before you and I salute all you bravehearts out there, who chose to stay kahit paulit-ulit na. Because God knows, I want to have your courage and your patience. Na gusto ko ring masabi, kahit minsan, na naging tanga ako, and proud of it. At dasal ko para sa'yo na balang araw, siya naman ang magpakatanga para sa'yo. Ay mali! Hehe. Dasal ko na balang araw, hindi mo na kailangang malungkot para maging mahalaga sa'yo ang pag-ngiti, na hindi mo na itanong sa sarili mo kung hanggang kailang ka tatagal o kung kaya mo pa ba, na malaman mo na hindi sa lahat ng oras kailangan mong maging malungkot bago maging masaya at higit sa lahat, bilang isang tanga at martir, na sa kaduluduluhan, magka-happiness ka at peace of mind pa. Oha!ÜÜ

Only in my dreams

Sunday, August 08, 2010

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I want someone who will take care of me. I’ll insist that I can, and he’ll shake his head and say how stubborn I am. He’ll say I’m so stubborn to think that I can take care of myself and he’ll be just as stubborn as I am, he’ll insist of taking care of me and when I ask him why, he’ll just say it’s the only job in the world he can do best---taking care of me. And with that, my heart would melt and my insides too because of this “aww” moment… because hello?! To have someone say that he wants to take care of you just because he wants to is one of the most comforting feeling in the world.

I want someone who’ll laugh at my corny jokes. And in the end, he’ll stop laughing and he’ll smile and he would stare at me, because more than the jokes, he’s just happy whenever I am and because my smile always warms his heart.

He will always remind me to eat on time (because I normally don’t which is one of the reasons why I suck with taking care of “me.” :P) and to bring an umbrella because its either raining or too sunny outside.

I am most of the time boring and a loner but he… he won’t find me boring ever. He’ll actually be fascinated about how I manage to find number of ways to entertain myself even when I’m alone.

He will not try to change me. He will love me for who I am and who I am NOT. He’ll also be my number one fan. To him, I’m the greatest in everything I do, even though I most certainly know I’m not.

He’ll love my family (because it’s always a packaged deal.)

Before he does things, he’ll think of me first, what I’ll think, how I’ll feel… because he cares. He’s considerate that way.

He’ll text me everyday. Not just the usual how-are-you’s but everything. Almost every thought inside his head because he’s always excited to share things with me---something new, something old... his fears… his dreams.

And me, I will also tell him stories---ENDLESS stories of something new, something old... my fears… my dreams. I have this tendency to repeat stories over and over and he may never hear the end of it. But he will always, always listen to me. All ears, attention (cuteness and all!), hanging on to every word that I say, like I’m telling him how to make a time machine or something or like what I say is a matter of life and death.

He’s a planner. Planning things he wants to do, places he wants to see and food he wants to eat---and all of these things, he’ll plan to do with me.:))

He will also be the kind of guy who will still court me, woo me even though we’re already together. He has this talent or ability to surprise me with something, even just writing a small note or sending an out of the blue I love you’s or I-though-about-you-today texts.

And what I’ll love most about him, is that every time we meet, I’ll see in his eyes the look of enthusiasm and joy because he’s so excited to see me (though we were together yesterday!) Prior to that, he’ll constantly wants to see me as if he never gets enough time with me and when we do meet, he would also wish how time would slow down also as if we never get enough time. And what will I think? I will look at the sky and ask good ol’ Bro up there to give this guy an imaginary helmet so that he may never, EVER bump his head and fall out of love with me. Not knowing that he is saying the same prayers, that I will now wake up one day, no longer in love with him, because he knows I am hard to find and a lot to lose. And because he can’t imagine tomorrow without me.

He doesn’t need to make me laugh all the time. But he’s somebody who’s always, always there and when he’s not, he will make time for me especially when I need him most. He’ll be the guy I run to and just hug tight whenever my day sucks and all I want to do is cry all day.

Yeah, he doesn’t need to make me laugh because sometimes, I don’t need a crown. He’ll be my ice cream, my chocolate—my comfort food. He’ll calm me down. He’s my go-to guy. And I can be with him, in quiet because sometimes silence is enough. No word needs to be spoken and I’ll be contented because this is it! Because everything I wanted and needed is right in my arms. Oh wait, sorry. It’s actually the other way around. It’s because I am IN the arms of everything I ever wanted and needed. ; )

The Kiss

Sunday, September 20, 2009

4 years and 9 months of being together made him sure that she is "The One." Yes, he knew it in his heart that somehow they are meant to be together.

Ryan always finds it unfair that Jasmine wouldn't even give him a kiss. Not insulting, he was too understanding for that. Just...unfair. Besides, they have been together for almost 5 years.

"It's just a kiss, sweety." He would say.
"Every couple we know is doing it." He would add after seeing that the look on her face didn't change.

They met at school. They were high school's beloved sweethearts. Even during those age of raging hormones, hot girls weren't his cup of tea. He just isn't that kind of guy. Back when almost all the girls change boyfriends like they change clothes, Jasmine just sits there and reads her books. The cute, sweet, conservative bookworm caught his eyes. She's the kind of girl a guy would proudly bring home to his mom. Boy did he fall for her. And as luck would have it, she was head-over-heels in love with him too.

Perfect, just perfect. Almost. Turns out she is really conservative--inside out. Over the years they were together she has managed to keep her head above her shoulders and ruled out anything beyond holding her hands. This he obeyed patiently. Everyone they knew thought they were the perfect couple, for her loyalty and heart and him for his understanding. Yes, she was almost perfect, they were almost perfect, except maybe for their petty squabbles about that single kiss she wasn't prepared to give.

He couldn't even kiss her on the cheeks. Ryan was getting tired of being a 'good guy' and just holding her hand. He is a man after all.

4 years and 9 months with his first (and hopefully last) real girlfriend without his first real kiss. Impossible? Not. And so a few months before celebrating their 5th year, he found himself in a party with the old crowd, tipsy and having the time of his life, kissing, technically making out with Georgina the hottest girl in high school.

Too bad he forgot Jasmine was also invited. Even his heart was broken when he saw her teary eyed just standing behind them. He won't forget that moment, that look she gave him. Was she hysterical? No. She was calm so he wasn't prepared for what happened next.

She slowly walked forward, leaned and kissed him. At last, he got what he wanted. That single kiss. Only, he wish she didn't. He knew she wasn't ready. On top of it all, she felt her pain. It seemed like forever. When he opened his eyes, she was smiling, bitterly and said, "You got what you want. Now we're over."

It took him that to realize it wasn't just a kiss. It wasn't about playing hard-to-get and playing conservative. It wasn't just about love. It was about loyalty, patience and respect.

It was 4 years and 9 months since he last saw her. Seeing her again since that fateful day reminded him that she was the one. The one who got away.

Then and Now

Hey there 2012!

Lipstick and High Heels

Blame it on Murphy.

Para sa'yo.

Only in my dreams

The Kiss

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