It's 2021, folks! Can you believe it? I can. In fact, I can't wait for 2020 to be over. I'm not really sure how I want to start this post but hey, how are you? Kumusta? How did 2020 treat you? If you are reading this, consider yourself blessed that you went through 2020 alive and well.  

I planned to post my New Year post around the first week of January but it turned out I'm not ready to write about my musings and learnings from the challenging year that was. So here I am today, writing you on a pleasant day this first day of the second month of 2021.

How was my 2020?

As soon as I heard about the virus during the latter part of December 2019, I thought prevention is always better than cure so I started wearing facemasks as early as January. All year long all I prayed for was for my family to be protected against all calamities and sickness especially the dreaded COVID-19. Alas, it did not happen. We have lost several beloved family members. I know I'm not the only one seeing how many of my Facebook friends are sporting either a black or a lighted candle as a profile picture just like me. It's February and I still don't have it in my heart to change that candle into a selfie. 

Just like many, I have dealt with anxiety. It was especially bad during the month of April when I had a bad cough, cold and sore throat (no fever and I did not lose my sense of smell and taste, thank God). I would have trouble breathing and would feel like the world is crashing down on me. I would hold my brother's hand while I calm myself and bring my breathing back to normal. 

Come November I thought we were in the clear since it is just a few months before 2020 finally ends but God has other plans. I lost my grandmother on November 21. That hit me so hard because I'm a lola's girl and the eldest grandchild so I got to spend time with her the most. Then we lost my uncle a month after due to a heart attack. His abrupt passing also gave me anxiety. How can it not? One moment you're watching videos on Youtube, take a leak, and then suddenly you have trouble breathing. It only took less than an hour. Just. Like. That. He was gone.

Learnings 

I'm sorry my first post for the year isn't as positive as you and I would have liked. I'm hoping for a better 2021 though. The vaccines are here. God is faithful. 

One of the most important things I'm grateful for last year is my renewed and hopefully better relationship with God. I've always been prayerful back when I was a kid. I've memorized the rosary mysteries since I was 11. Growing older made me feel like it wasn't enough. I am hesitant to share anything about my beliefs. I don't want to sound holier than thou. And to be honest, I don't want to sound too "manang". LOL. (Sorry, Lord, for my vanity.)

My faith got me through the hardest parts of 2020 especially the fact that we had to celebrate the holidays with so many losses. We actually did not celebrate Christmas at all because we were at my uncle's wake but we were together as a family and that's what's important. 

I've been attending Fr. Jerry Orbos' online masses every Sunday and I've taken to heart this quote of his in one or two of his homily: "Avoid regrets because you have loved too little, too late." Show and tell the people you love them before it's too late. People can be gone in a blink of an eye. Again, as Father said, this holiday season, look at the people around you. Some of them may not be there to celebrate with you next year. Deep but true.

Anyway, up until now the Titos and Titas would ask me why I'm still unmarried and why I don't have kids yet, and I would tell them, I can barely take care of myself and how much more a kid of my own? Haha. Well, all the anxiety 2020 gave me did me good because I distracted my mind from worrying by doing things that are good for me. I learned how to cook. I started meditating. I am taking my vitamins regularly now. I exercise more. Ang galing. Kaya ko pala. It took a pandemic to make me realize that I can take care of myself. I quarantined with my brothers during ECQ so it turns out I can take care of other people too. Does that mean I'm ready to have a family of my own? Now that is a different story. LOL.

What's in store for me this 2021?

My goal this 2021 is simply just like last year's-- to survive. With the vaccines rolling in, I am quite optimistic about my chances. I spent the past year mostly keeping myself sane. I was a big ball of nerves and I'm not afraid to admit that. Now, I am facing this new year with less anxiety and more faith. 

Wow. I missed doing this. I miss making my blog like a diary. One thing I want to try is to open up more. I'm still thinking about starting my own Youtube channel. To be honest, I'd rather be behind the camera than in front of it. Introvert problems. Haha! But what do you think?

Writing again after so long feels like dipping my toe before swimming. Now that I'm done, I think I'm finally ready to dive into this world again. Who's with me?